Welcome to TV Wasteland… and now for a word from our sponsors

Daytime television has become such a wasteland.

Other than watching an occasional news broadcast, I have avoided daytime TV for years as a complete waste of time. Lately though, I have been doing some thinking about how daytime television actually resembles our country a lot more than I would like to admit. People have their morning coffee with ABC/CBS/NBC/Fox and local stations where painted semi-celebrities interview painted actual celebrities (and former celebrities) and discuss all the bright shiny things that keep us distracted. Occasionally there will be puppies which really keep the populace distracted (oh, look, a puppy!)

{Cue audience going aaaAAAWWW}

The coffee shows blend into the talking head shows where people who have failed at almost everything else in their life get to criticize everyone and everything different from them. These shows have replaced the early religious shows from the early days of television but be assured that they have every bit of holier than thou sanctimony as their predecessors. If you want vitriol, you have nothing more to do than turn on one of these chatty shows and wait until a conservative shows up talking about preserving life or letting people keep some of their own money (what the democrats lovingly call investments for the future).

The soaps of course are all fading from view now. It turns out they can no longer shock the viewing public with the careful twists and turns that have always been their staple. It used to be that the soaps would provide us with threshold events; the first cheating spouses, the first baby out of wedlock, the first illicit gay kiss, and on and on. Now they are all being replaced with more chat shows. It turns out that daytime TV can no longer shock us. After all, when you have the antics of Prime time TV, Hollywood and political operators at all levels, what is left to shock us? In some ways, its like Bill Clinton and Charlie Sheen killed the Soaps. Cigar anyone?

Tucked in among those fading shows though are some of the most “New” American representations you could imagine. I am not talking about Jerry Springer and his clones. I could to an extent though since the current Republican primaries are starting to look like a Springer episode. “Jerry, he said he was going to run an honest campaign. Then he admitted that he had been sleeping with Ron Paul… How could he?” “Well, lets bring him out and see what he says with the cameras turned on… Newt, come on out”

{Cue audience alternating between booing and cheering}

The ones I really like though are the imitation “Courts” that fill in the rest of the day until more chat shows show up. Judge Judy, Joe Brown, the People’s Court, and I am sure many others give ordinary citizens a chance to stick it to family members, old boy/girl friends, room mates, neighbors and on and on right there on the big TV screen. If you have a really big screen, you can almost see the saliva forming as they build up their case of unfair treatment and injustice.

There is nothing quite like seeing one of our Judges rip apart a story of someone who obviously had bad intents all along. Their broken promises are exposed on national TV and in almost every case, the Judge is able to show the naked lies and falsification. No amount of witnesses or supporters can help them when the Judge tears into the scraps of truth that show through the sludge of falsehoods. I absolutely love watching the smooth talkers trying to out wit the Judge and the Judge just rips them a new one. Judge Alex, Divorce Court and others offer people a shot they might not otherwise have to expose a dirty deed or two.

So here is my idea. Let’s have a representative from the next generation take President Obama to the “People Not Born Yet Court”.

{Announcer off camera: Welcome to the People “Not Born Yet” Court.

I’m Roland Headly. This is the place where the not yet born get a chance to square off against people who have robbed them of their inheritance. Our first case involves our first ever Class Action Law suit. We call this the People of Tomorrow Versus the President of the Divided States. The plaintiffs have all been sworn in and have agreed to abide by the decisions of this court. Our guest Judge today is Abraham Lincoln. Now entering the court are Mr. BO(and a rather large entourage) and Little Susie Simpson, age eight. Although she is not actually in the “not born yet” category, she has been chosen to represent the “Class”.}

Bailiff: “All rise, and remain standing for the arrival of Abraham Lincoln.”

(Hey, in a fictional case about people not yet born, who better than one of the most honest men that ever lived).

Abe: “Please be seated. Bailiff, what is our next case?”

Bailiff: “Your honor, the unborn Children of the Future versus the President of the Divided States".

Abe: “And what specifically are the people suing for?”

Bailiff: “No less that 18 trillion dollars your honor.”

Abe: “ 18 Trillion? Mr. BO how in the world did you rack up that much debt?”

BO: “Well sir, and may I say I really admire your work. I was just telling the adoring press last week how much we were so much alike and…”

Abe: Cool it Mr. BO. In case you hadn’t heard, I can smell a lie a mile away. Now exactly what did you spend this money on?”

BO: “Well your honor, we were buying hope and a smidgeon of change.”

Abe: “Hope and change? Exactly how many barrels of hope and change did you get for all the money ever printed in the history of the country?”

BO: “Well your highness, and I bow to your authority of course, we bought machines that will run on electricity to save the planet and solar panels that will capture light and convert it into power and of course we propped up the unions that are our working class. As a bonus, we are also shutting down all those coal fired plants that rob the environment”

Abe: So let me get this straight. You bought machines that use electricity to save electricity. You bought more machines that need energy to be created just so you could store more energy. And you eliminated the most available source of energy that also created many union jobs during the worst recession in history?

BO: “But your honor when you put it like that, you leave out the hope.”

Abe: “That’s exactly my point Mr. Obama, that’s exactly my point.”

{At this point, Little Susie runs crying from the room. Without Hope, she feels completely lost}

Abe: “Bailiff, your only plaintiff is gone. Who else will stand up for the rights of the yet to be born?”

BO: “Your honor, my Justice Department  lawyer has just informed me that since there are no witnesses, there is no crime. You will have no choice but to dismiss this case. If the change don’t fit, you must acquit.”

Abe: “Bailiff, is that true?”

Bailiff: “I am afraid so Judge Lincoln.”

Abe: “Well, this is a sad day. Four Score and Seven Minutes ago when I was reviewing this case in my chambers, I though I saw a way to right a mighty wrong. I guess I will have to leave that to future generations. Case dismissed. Oh and Mr. BO…”

BO: “Yes judge?”

Abe: “I knew Abraham Lincoln.  Abraham Lincoln was my friend. And you sir are no Abraham Lincoln. Next case Bailiff"


Bailiff: “Yes sir, the next Plaintiff is the entire country of Mexico… same defendants your honor.”

Abe": “Now what?”

Bailiff: “Well your honor, according to the Mexicans. Someone working for Mr. Obama wanted to make guns less available so they made them more available to criminals, drug dealers, thugs, and international arms smugglers.

Abe: “Sheesh.  I hope no one got hurt.”


Here’s to another day in television wasteland… Not to worry though… I understand the FCC has some format changes planned if the current administration gets reelected. Under the radar of course… Just imagine… 24 hour chat shows with Oprah and Rosie. Fox of course will be gone.

Mister Mac

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