Breaking News …Breaking news… Breaking news… See end of article
Just for fun, Google the word Green. Go ahead, I’ll wait right here.
What did you get? I got 3,250,000,000 in 0.18 seconds. Wow! Just for reference sake, I also Googled the word God and only got 1,680,000,000 in 0.09 and I am pretty sure that most of those are articles claiming that God is a myth or simply does not exist. Green on the other hand is very real and it is being delivered to you almost non-stop in your daily life.
Think about it. Have you bought any light bulbs recently. We were in Home Depot this afternoon and the little squiggly things were everywhere you looked. They come in all sizes now and for almost every application. Earlier this month the EU (that’s the organization that includes both the winners and losers of World War 2 in one highly inefficient organization) succeeded in banning the 60 watt bulb all across the face of Europe. Ireland was the first to ban all incandescent light bulbs in their country. Of course Germany complained that since there were only seventy five electric lights in all of Ireland, they would have a much easier time of it. Reports from O’Shanahan’s Pub indicate that none of the patrons have yet felt the impact.
I hope you aren’t feeling too smug about my ancient ancestors homeland right about now. While its true that their power does come from burnt potato peals, its also true that here in the Good Old USA, Congress has decreed that 2012 will be our big year for squiggle bulbs. Millions and millions an millions (and that’s just in Las Vegas and Miami). GE has promised to keep up with the demand sort of as a patriotic gesture to its fellow man. Of course, they will be made in China and other third world countries since the new EPA and OSHA rules will probably make them to expensive to make here in the US. Oh well, that’s just progress for you.
Our friend the plastic bag has been feeling itself in the crosshairs for some time now. Google those bad boys and you will see a mere 32,000,000 hits and about 90 percent of those are outraged conservationists and environmentalists talking about the increase in the rise of the death of black faced marmots which are a direct result of the indiscriminate use of plastic bags by uncaring and unfeeling Americans for the past fifty or so years. Other articles discuss the direct linkage with the rapid rise in the earth’s atmosphere (although they are mostly cancelled out by the backlog of older articles discussing the rapid cooling of the earth’s atmosphere).
Finally, there are apparently millions of sea gulls choking to death on plastic beer can rings (or beer can yokes as the industry callously calls them). I can still see my wife feverishly cutting up hundreds of the little demons after my retirement party as the guests furiously tried to out race her. It’s hard to believe that we have allowed these horrible killers to exist for over fifty years. Oh, the humanity. Think about that next time you destroy another six pack. Or not.
There is one bright side though. While congress may have no clue how to fix the rancid economy and help businesses increase jobs, they were smart enough to regulate the little plastic beer rings. That’s right. Six pack carrier rings are made to photo-degrade within 90 days of being littered—most less than 30 days. This is in accordance with the U.S. Federal standard for testing plastic photo-degradation, which is 40 CFR Ch. I (7–1–03 Edition)PART 238.
I’ll sleep better tonight.
Even common ketchup bottles have apparently entered the green revolution. Today at the restaurant I looked over at that familiar bottle of Ketchup (that clearly states it is never supposed to be refilled). The bottle talked to me…
“##### will launch PlantBottle™ in all 20-ounce ketchup bottles in June with “talking labels” asking, “GUESS WHAT MY BOTTLE IS MADE OF?” Packaging will be identified by a special logo and on-pack messages. Switching to PlantBottle™ is another important step in #####’s global sustainability initiative to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, solid waste, water consumption and energy usage at least 20 percent by 2015.” Can you spell solid ketchup? Of course you can.
Okay first, I barely want to talk to the waitress no less have a Talking Ketchup Bottle at my table to annoy me. Second, these bottles (which contain something I am about to ingest) are made from remnants of some kind of plants and some other stuff which remains a state secret. Does that mean we will be having a plant shortage in the near future. When will it end?
Don’t get me wrong. Going green can have its advantages for those clever enough to innovate a green solution to some problem. Recent revelations from the Federal Green Bureau of Artificial Stimulation Transition And Reconciliation Division Supervisors show that going green makes great economic sense! Hundreds of millions and a fair amount of billions have been transferred into private bank accounts in highly Liberal leaning voting areas. From windmills to solar panels to cars that get 40 miles to the charge, your government is leading the way. The number of undeveloped projects that could join the green revolution is only as limited as your bank account and IRA’s can provide. (Okay there’s also that big printing press in Washington but its going to break some time from overuse.)
It got me thinking today that I need to somehow get in on the green revolution before its too late. But what can I offer? So many really smart people have already cornered the market on the most visible items and you never want to enter any market on its maturation cycle.
Then it hit me. What does every house and football field have in common?
No, a mountain of empty beer cans is not the answer (fine yourself a hundred green points for even thinking that way and don’t forget to recycle after you snip all the ring things)
No the similarity is that they both have large open areas that need some kind of environmentally friendly covering. One that will not emit toxins or leave a permanent legacy of environmental destruction that could cause future generations to grow a third arm. What would be the perfect product that will surely hit all of the marks?
I have the answer. Green Recyclable Absorbable Soluble Solutions (I am racing to copy write this idea so don’t get any ideas). Lab tests conducted this afternoon in my personal testing ground revealed that G.R.A.S.S. is about as green a product as you can possibly imagine. My field test engineers (Angus and Rufus) confirmed that G.R.A.S.S. is not only non-toxic but tasty as well (perhaps a potential food source in the future for third world countries although I suspect certain countries like North Korea have already piloted the program with their civilian population.)
This stuff is totally recyclable and can be used in almost every state (with the exception of California where a version of G.R.A.S.S. is readily available from many specialty shops and street vendors from South of The Border). Its good for the earth and can have the side benefit of providing hours of exercise for homeowners almost everywhere. I can sell it in biodegradable bags with earth friendly ink. It will be delivered only in federally approved green cars by union people who are licensed to drive regardless of their country of origin or method of entry into the United States (as monitored carefully by the Department of Justice and the Department of Transportation.
G.R.A.S.S. does have a few drawbacks but before those come out in the New York Times investigation, I have already submitted my one page application to the Federal Green Bureau of Artificial Stimulation Transition And Reconciliation Division Supervisors for my share of the next round of stimulus dollars for a two gazillian dollar grant. I have earmarked enough money from the grant to cover my next presidential and congressional election contributions and I have been assured the remaining money is being wired to my individual account this evening.
theleansubmariner 
It must be the Ionizing Radiation……….
I think you need three more zeros on the number at the end…
Thanks for the catch… a billion here, a billion there, pretty soon your talking about real people
Freaking brilliant