Shocking news from a respected Military organization in the United States confirms our worst fears… Zombies are not just after your brains, now they want your health care
I know its been a few months since my last Zombie Update
(Okay months but at least the Zombies haven’t attacked yet)
I wanted to share an idea I stole from somebody else… its a really cool idea though so I hope I don’t get sued:
Here it is:
What does the Federal Government Know and When Did it Know It
Well, November is almost behind us and that means the festive season is not too far away.
Yes, that’s right Black Friday is almost upon us. As most people know, Zombies are attracted by bright lights, shiny things, and massively deceptive sales at large department stores. Starting at midnight tonight, millions of them will be lined up outside of pathetically unprepared big box stores waiting to be the first to get their hands on electronic toys that they can’t afford. Because they are living off of free food and cigarettes provided by the minority of their neighbors, being able to afford all that Zombie Bling is no big deal.
Recent studies have shown that zombieism is being spread through many of these devices. It started with something called Atari but has now progressed on a massive scale with things like Xbox, Playstation, Wii and others. Scientists believe that the devices have some kind of long term effect on the critical thinking skills of the users and create mush where their brains used to be.
So what can you do?
Well, first, stay inside until this weekend is over. With that much raw zombie power loose, people will probably be crushed or at least battered by the zombie hordes. Eat some extra turkey and sleep in. (No too much though… remember zombies love fat people). Try and enjoy your holiday knowing that when the bills come in for all the stuff they bought – somehow it will be your fault and the zombies will expect you to pay for that too.
Happy Thanksgiving… you have been warned
Zombie Alert: Indianapolis…. it begins…
A recent sighting in Ohio confirms the worst fears of many Zombie Watchers.
Though some sort of freakish anomaly, Zombies are able to communicate with each-other. Accepted wisdom for many years had been that without money and a will of their own, they were unable to communicate with each other. Most people believed that they merely showed up by random acts with no sense of purpose other than an unstated Zombie agenda.
This sighting in Ohio though confirms what has long been suspected. Zombies have phones and apparently it is some kind of secret government program run amuck that has made it happen. Apparently one of the Zombies (which still retained a crude and rudimentary type of speech pattern) was actually celebrating the fact that they had their (something mumbled) a-phone. Any Zombie was eligible and this particular one seemed to be a leader of sorts by the wild screams and hand gestures she kept making. She emphasized that there was a leader they owed their phones to and this was keeping them loyal. Television cameras seemed to animate them and passing cars also brought them into an agitated state. If you witness any of this activity, please leave a comment in the response section of this page.
One last thing… Zombies don’t seem to like Mormons. I hope someone has notified Salt Lake City
Zombie trackers informed the Central Headquarters that a large infestation was recently sighted in Charlotte NC.
Original reports indicated that the Panthers Stadium would be over run. However, scouts on the ground reported that the actual number was much smaller and less effective. Hundreds instead of thousands of zombies tried to march in the presence of intense Federal Anti-Zombie surveillance and control. Flying squads of Dragoons kept the zombies in contained areas for the most part. Smaller roving bands were easily out maneuvered and their anguished cries were barely heard above the sound of rolling blockades.
The zombie propagandist agency was also hindered by the Federal Forces and barely any stories emerged into the mainstream media.
Some zombies were sighted inside the convention center. It is believed these zombies were not completely metamorphosed and still maintain their original identity as progressives. This was evidenced as they tried to remove and replace the word GOD with their own leader (Starts with O and rhymes with yo mama). Despite their anguished cries (I just love writing the words “anguished cries”) the non-zombie leadership callously ignored their pleas and once again put the word God back in their platform. Also, the recognition of Jerusalem as the home of the non-zombies was also readopted over their fervent protests. Sources inside the center said that more zombies than non-zombies were trying to be heard but their advanced zombie like condition rendered them incapable of doing nothing more than moaning loudly in a zombie like fashion. (Rumor has it that the screamers were led by a pre-zombie named Sandra Flukk who has spent the past few years practicing her screaming in the dorm rooms of various eastern colleges).
The Battle for Charlotte ended with a whimper as the leaders of the party supporting zombies failed to deliver an inspiring enough climax.
Sandra Flukk was heard mumbling as she walked away… “Men…. what else is new”
The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming in November
… are you ready?
Opening Day Ceremony
The world is finally becoming aware of the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Last evening in London, the drummers were out and you could see the panic in everyone’s eyes as the Zombies took over the entire stadium. I was surprised so many of them knew how to play drums. But be that as it may, for the next few weeks, Zombie defenses will be cleverly displayed in the form of athletic events.
Be aware though that no amount of running or swimming will save you if you continue to come back to the same place you started. While Zombies are not very directionally functional, they don’t have to work very hard if all you can do is travel in circles. On the other hand, lessons can be learned form the various sports that involved throwing spears and heavy objects. WHile this may not kill many Zombies, it will slow them down.
Stay safe out there and be ready… they are coming soon.
USA !!! USA !!! USA !!! USA !!!
July Independence Day Zombie Report
As we prepare to celebrate the independence of this great nation, remember that fireworks are a bang up way of letting the zombies know that your house and family may not be the best place to visit! Keep all safety rules in mind but imagine the fun of launching these bad boys right at the approaching hordes of flesh-eating monsters:
FULL METAL JACKET II
While I am normally reluctant to post anything from unreliable sources such as CNN, a recent article about Zombies from the CDC Caught my attention.
Despite later denials from CDC about this critical issue, it does seem just a bit suspicious that they would include a list of things you need to be prepared for the Zombie event. Forty years ago, the greatest coverup of the nation’s history (Watergate) began. Some say the Z.A. was recognized as a possible way to draw attention away from the crimes. Could that be what is missing on the tapes that were erased?
Could it be that Fast and Furious documents reveal the renewed danger as well?
May 23 Update
It’s a battle of ideas.
Now normally that would be a no-brainer (pardon the gratuitous Zombie reference)
June and July are just about here. Outdoor picnics could put your family in immediate danger if the Zombie Apocalypse happens while you are in the great out-of-doors. There you are on your newly stained deck grilling hamburgers and brats when suddenly little Susie shouts, “Dad, look… the undead are coming this way”
Unless you live in a right to carry state, you are already in trouble. Your weapons are probably safely stored in your ready room and there may not be enough time to get there, assemble your defense package and be prepared to keep them at bay. What do you do?
On the same lines as what we discussed a few weeks ago, your backyard is probably chock full of home defense items. Gasoline from the garden shed can quickly be converted into molotov cocktails using the empty beer or soda bottles that are lying around. Cut off strips from your wife’s umbrella (she will thank you later) for use as wicks. If you are using charcoal, good on you! Flying hot charcoals can be catapulted using many common garden tools and will give you a delaying tactic to gather the family in the safe room. (You do have a safe room right?)
Finally, using the spare propane tank, you can create a weapon of mass destruction that is sure to stop the zombie horde in its tracks. Simply roll it down the hill towards them and as it approaches them, shoot it with the high-powered rifle your son just brought you. CO2 bottles are a handy substitute but should be reserved for use to extinguish any Zombies that get caught in your barbed wire perimeter. (You do have a barbed wire perimeter don’t you?)
Be safe out there.
May 16 Update
A couple of ideas for you Concerned Citizens
Update from the Department of Homeland Insecurity
“While the recent proclamation that the war on terror is over was meant to calm the public at large prior to the November elections, It would be a mistake to assume that the zombies will not come for you at some point. It would be advisable for you to continue to prepare for the apocalypse just in case. It is believed that the absence of terrorists will actually increase the likelihood of a zombie attack since the zombies were known to be intimidated by the terrorist threat.
Some good news. Zombie prevention products are on the rise and many outlets are struggling to keep up with demand. Just today, a visit to Trop’s Gun Shop in Elizabethtown yielded some great finds:
Okay, I know they are scary but you can DO THIS!!!!!!!!
Another tip from the Back Yard Zombie Fighter: Tiki Torches!
Nothing slows down a herd of Zombies faster than a series of launched lit Tiki Torches. They are economical, easy to fill, easier to throw and will put a light under their bushels at just the right time.
Plus, if you are smart, you will buy extras. Just tell you wife they are for mosquitos… wink wink… she will thank you later.
Stay ready my friends.
May 12 Update
Sometimes fighting Zombies can require creative solutions. Not everyone will have access to firearms and Zombie ammunition. So what should you do if you are home and the attack begins before you can prepare.
Don’t worry, all is not lost. I was power blasting the house today and realized I had a low cost Zombie weapon right at my finger tips.
The power blaster I have has a number of difference attachments. One of them is an extremely high pressure tip that I use for stripping.
Why couldn’t I use that for a short term Zombie Zapper? Frankly, even the chemicals I use in the blaster have warnings about not allowing them to get in your eyes or on your skin. Bonus!!! You can literally cut your zombies in shreds and they will be squeeky clean.
Yep, those are the kind of things I think about when I am power blasting the house.
Question: What other common items around the house could be used to stave off the first wave?
I look forward to your reponses. Remember, when it comes to Zombies, you are either with us or you are with them.
For years, organizations and preparedness experts have been trying to warn people about the cataclysmic events that could happen both here and abroad. The Department of Homeland Security, FEMA, the Red Cross, CDC and a host of state and local organizations have been warning all of us for years to “Be Ready, Make A Plan, Be Prepared”.
Most people thought that the threats were coming because of terrorism, economic collapse, evil organizations and countries that want to see the fall of freedom and so on. At the very least, the fear was that earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, falling guano from a passing flight of jungle bats or something equally sinister would bring us to our knees.
As it turns out, they were all wrong. It would be EMP or the Bird Flu Pandemic.
It’s all about the coming Zombie Apocalypse. Are you ready? Aren’t you paying attention?
I was at a well-known sporting goods store a few weeks ago and saw the warning signs. Bright green signs pointed buyers to Zombie ammunition in special Zombie ammunition cases. Zombie gun selection was also a hot topic that day in and amongst the fly fishing symposium and safe boating courses. I stopped a young sales clerk and inquired about the Zombie items and she rolled her eyes back in her head as if to reflect on the futility of facing the coming apocalypse. Putting on a brave face cleverly disguised as complete in difference she admitted “we can’t put the crap on the shelves fast enough.”
What about you? Are you ready? Let me hear back from you on your preparations. Use a phony name please… no sense making it easy for the Zombies (although in the back of my mind I do question if they are actually capable of reading… being undead and all.)
Here are some suggestions:
Have an adequate supply of ammunition…