As the blog races past a new record today, I have been having some staff discussions about how to have some fun and still maintain a place for more serious discussions.

Over the past nine months, we have come dangerously close to offending some (okay perhaps lots and lots of people). Now I will openly admit, the most liberal member of my staff has been my conscience and reminds me on a regular basis that I should be more “tolerant”. As an old style traditionalist, I have always been comfortable mocking things I don’t understand and blindly hiding from things that I am sure existed but choose to ignore. So I have decided to embrace the inner me and use this page to address sensitive subjects in a way I enjoy the most: sarcasm.

Disclaimer: I am at the age where I believe I do not have to be anyone’s judge. You do what you do, I’ll do what I do, and we’ll all do some voo-doo (sorry Mel Brooks, had to borrow it). If you want to eat sushi, that’s your business. As a former submarine sailor, I get a bit squeamish about eating anything uncooked that comes from a place where I know for a fact that hundreds of subs have blown their sanitary tanks over the past 100 plus years. But you have the right! If you want to have intimate relations with someone your own sex, have a ball! If its okay with Obama, it must be okay, right? If you are absolutely convinced that living in a state controlled environment, good on you. Smoke and drink to your heart’s content, just don’t do it here/

Today’s subject: What’s in a name?

California Representative Petitions the Department of the Navy to name a ship after Harvey Milk. Harvey Milk? Wasn’t he that San Francisco politician who had been assassinated? You can read about his life here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harvey_Milk

A couple of things I did not know about Harvey: He was actually a Naval Officer early in life. After his death, President Obama awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. May 22 is Harvey Milk day in California and of course Arnold the Governator named him to the California Hall of Fame.

Of course the conservative blogs are all a twitter this morning about the notion of naming an US Navy ship after someone who, while famous, was not exactly what some would consider a top candidate for a ship name.

Really? Lets look at the possibilities.

Article 125 of the UCMJ is dead and buried. Boys and girls now breathlessly wait on the pier to welcome home their previously forbidden lovers in the most public and physical way short of actually having sex. Let’s embrace the USS Harvey Milk (BJ-69) in a sign of tolerance. It would require some “adapting” but I can see room in Obama’s Navy for her (or is it him?).

First, instead of weapons, we would have unisex beauty salons and hot tubs. Grey is so drab. Why no pink and pastel? Advantage: since everyone would be so busy spreading the joy, rust would just kind of blend in. Radar would be replaced by Gay-dar. It was Harvey’s cherished gift and will ensure a steady supply of seamen for the vessel. In his honor, the ship could have “kiddie cruises” with frequent stops in Bangkok and Saudi Arabia. With no weapons, the Milk could be an “ambassador of apology” to every country with a port freeing up the President to focus on getting reelected.

Topside would be covered with solar panels left over from Solyndra which would give it an environmentally friendly appeal and the crew would be trained to wish the ship into motion… do you know how many precious fish are killed each year by evil ships with propellers. I can see a converted aircraft carrier with deck chairs and assorted cabana boys covering the flight deck. Lots of South Miami decor and instead of ready rooms, massage parlors.

UPDATE: As I was walking with Angus the dog some additional benefits occurred to me about creating this floating opportunity.

Cost savings: with no weapons or planes aboard, this will be one of the least expensive ships to operate. No need for parts or fuel or even crew training of any kind. I had thought that dance lessons might eat into the budget but I am sure some of the cast members from Dancing with the Stars would be more than happy to volunteer their time in service to their country.

Drills: With nothing to shoot with, traditional drills could be replaced with impromptu musicals or recreations of episodes from Glee.  Weekends would be reserved for marathon sessions of Cake Boss, Say Yes to the Dress, and of course the classic episodes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Sundays would alternate between reruns of old Barbara Streisand movies and tributes to Judy Garland (Best impression contest on the Lido deck at 1300).

The Captain would be busy with weddings so it would be important that a large part of the Hanger Deck be cordoned off and painted white with lace. The other parts could be divided between indoor soccer, large dancing areas with mirror balls, and plenty of padding for Pilates classes.

Return on Investment: The Navy could franchise over a hundred Starbucks coffee stops. That way, no sailor would ever have to be more than a few compartments away from a latte con mocha frappe with a hint of cinnamon. The money made could go towards endless bottles of skin softener and Febreeze for the crews quarters.

These are just some ideas. Being straight does limit me to what I have seen on TV.

I can see Iran shaking in their boots as it gently lisps its way into the Gulf of Oman. Of course they would be shaking with laughter. Just long enough for the real Navy to come in behind her and blow them to hell. I know, we risk losing the love boat. But I think Harvey would appreciate the chance to serve again.

Somewhere out on the wide open ocean, the strains of the Village People singing can be heard floating on the wind… “In The Navy…..”

Sorry, I forgot the perfunctory phrase: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

(With apologies from the liberal members of my staff).